Nikki and Gray

leven years ago, Nikki realized she was pregnant after a very important relationship in her life was over.  It was supposed to be a final chapter in a book of romance, but it began her book of family. Nikki and Grayson started their family life the day Nikki found out she was carrying her future son.  Nikki and Gray are each other’s family.  Mom and son.  Single parent and child.  White mom, bi-racial son. 

Nikki and Gray are this generation’s New Global Family.  The old conventions of family are fading away.  There is no longer a required mom, dad, 2.5 kids and a dog.  There is a great mix of culture and ethnicity in relationships and families.  The walls of color, race and religion are crumbling.  Many couples nowadays choose not to marry at all, kids or no kids.  Many women keep babies or seek pregnancies and adoption without a thought for a father.  Fathers are raising children alone as well.  The list goes on and on…..

I cannot tell the wonderful tale of Nikki and Gray without mentioning that Nikki is a dear, old friend of mine.  Like many old friends, Nikki and I reacquainted on Facebook.  It was a wonderful reunion of picture sharing of our children and catch-up.  And of course, we reflected on our childhoods and the new generation of our own children. 

Nikki was raised in a conservative, New Zealand family in which her parents had immigrated to the United States.  Nikki and her younger brother are first generation Americans.  The United States of America is the world’s great melting pot population. Nikki went out into the great melting pot and mixed it up. Nikki and Gray are a wonderful page out of America’s great history.  Fantastic.

When Nikki and I were young schoolgirl pals, I was from the anomalistic family of those times.  I was adopted; my brother was adopted from another family, and my sister from another family.  Five people living together without one common bloodline between us.  We were all white from a mixed European background.  We looked nothing much alike and people asked us awkward questions all the time.  My favorite is still, “Do you know your real parents?”  I would always respond, “Yes, they live at my house with me right now.”

So, what was “an out of the box family” yesteryear is now at the bottom of the list of “out of the box” families.  My family at the time was one color and had a mom and dad.  Today, not too many people would make inquiry.  But how big is today’s BOX of family?  I would venture to say TODAY’S FAMILY HAS A VERY LARGE BOX OF NORMS.  However, it is important to tell our stories so that the walls disappear altogether and we are all joined by ONE BIG COMMON DENOMINATOR – unconditional love and home. 

I asked Nikki if I could tell her story of family.  Because Nikki and Gray are in a pioneering front of family change, and the growing box, and they are a wonderfully smart, loving, cool family and their story makes humans of all of us.  Here are some rough quotes from our recent phone conversation (this was not exactly transcribed):

Cat: So tell me about the day you told your parents that you were keeping your baby and raising a bi-racial family because I have to hear your father’s response?

Nikki: Well I was always pushing the boundaries, so I think they were used to that.  I still am. 

Cat: So, not a big surprise.

Nikki: No, not really.  I had been dating bi-racially for at least 10 years before Gray came along so I think my parent’s made a natural assumption as to how things would go if I started a family, married or not.

Cat: I think that is why I loved hanging out with you so much; you were fearless, absolutely fearless.  Have there been any challenges?

Nikki: Some challenges, sure of course, and some great opportunities.  My biggest concern is always that with Grayson being raised by a white Mom that he gets enough of his own wonderful black culture.  There are simply things that I am not for him and I want him to have such a great sense of self and identity.

Cat: Yes, I think that is so important and yet very challenging without feeling that it is forced.

Nikki: Exactly.  I don’t want to follow some cliché script with Gray and have him resent that I made decisions for him that he might not have made.  We made decisions together.

Cat: Tell me of the opportunities besides the wonderful global family that lives at
Your house?

Nikki: I talk all the time with friends that are in marriages with two careers and the woman struggles all the time with the old conventions and what is an equal partnership, I don’t.  It has always just been Gray and I.  I am a single parent, and as hard as that can be at times, I have no expectations of anyone and therefore don’t suffer the same disappointment all the time.  A lot of my friends end up in divorces and the kids in broken homes living between 2 residences.  Gray has always known who and where his home is with me.  No questions, no power struggles between his parents, no sad divorce.  Gray and me.  Me and Gray.  Our special family. 

Cat: Wow.  I love the sound of that.  And I agree with so much of what you just said.  My husband and I do a pretty good job of partnership but there is always this residual expectation from the last generation that the woman magically does more somehow and if she demands an equal partnership, she is a bitter nag.  What an option, martyr or nag or a divorced family. 

Nikki: Yeah, no, I wouldn’t want that in a million years I could never do it.  Gray and I are actually really lucky that we have always known the what, where, when and how. 

Cat: Well sweetie, I am proud of you.  And I am so glad to know you again.

Nikki: Yeah, me too.

and that dear readers, is Nikki and Gray’s story of family.